I reconnected with an old friend tonight, someone who meant a lot to me back in high school, and who helped me figure out a lot about myself. I spent the rest of the evening reading my old blog posts from back then, when emotions were so much stronger, but things were so much simpler.
I read all the way from the weeks and months before my high school graduation in 2004, until my husband got back from Iraq in 2006. I stopped posting just after he got back, because for the first time, I was truly happy. And then of course everything got complicated and then we had Tristan and it’s been a rollercoaster of reality ever since.
I’ve had a really, really tough week. Things have been rough this summer, still trying to deal with the loss of my godmother, juggling family issues, settling into our home here in the country, Brandon losing his job. We’ve hung in there together, but it’s not easy when the happiness you had finally made gets taken from you once again. I know we’ll make it through this, like we always have, but it’s tough, and it makes you miss the good times.
My old friend reminded me that I’m right where I should be for now. And even if it’s a valley, we’ll make it back up to the hill. And that no matter what I do in life, I’ll always be a little bit of that doe-eyed, poetic, 17-year old girl. It’s why I relate to my students so well, and why I write this blog. I feel everything, and every now and then I just need to write it all out.
I’m going now, to snuggle with my husband, and to be thankful for what we DO have, and to remember the old friends, who keep you grounded and never let you forget where you’ve been.
Back in 2004, I wrote this:
<<<<Don’t worry about all that you’re going through right now. Don’t listen to those people who try to bring you down. Because one day you will be rich and famous, and it will all have been worth it.
I don’t want to be rich and famous. I don’t want to change the world. I would like to change one person’s life for the better. Just one. And if there are more than that, then each is just another blessing. I’m not trying to be better than everyone else, I’m just trying to be myself. I want to be honest and true to the person I believe I am and can be.
The writing… is my way of expressing everything I feel inside. It’s my meager attempt at sharing myself with the world. It’s pouring out my heart and soul so that maybe, some day, someone will get something from what I say.
The loving… is my way at surviving everything in the meantime. I will love him with all that I have, until neither of us can anymore; I will enjoy every moment that I live with his love. I won’t love only him, though. I will love my true friends, the ones who accept me and listen and care; I will show them that I will always be here and have time for them.
I know that I’m an idealist and a romantic and all of those impossible things that this harsh world doesn’t understand. But that’s okay with me. I don’t mind being a little different every now and then. Because I think being able to feel, to love and to hurt both, is the ultimate gift. And being able, even in a small, insignificant way, to share that gift, is nothing short of a miracle.>>>